Day 9, Day 10, Day 11

I don't trust him.

I don't know if it is because I actually believe he is doing something or if it is because he deliberately makes me feel insecure, some kind of control thing?

He knows and knew from the beginning of our relationship that I am extremely insecure around other women. The weird thing is that it is so unfounded because I get along really well with women. I also make friends really easily and when I have met the woman in question it is pretty clear that nothing is going on with her and BB.

Yes the insecurities are in my mind, most definitely. And I often let my overactive imagination take over and I invent rather ludicrous situations. It is not that I think he is cheating or even lying to me. But I do think BB plays on my insecurities to get a reaction. It's almost as if he wants to fight and I am thinking that he likes it.

When BB goes away he doesn't want me to phone him. If/when I do he doesn't answer the phone. I also find that when I do call he seems to spend a lot of time on the phone to other people. When we do speak while he is away he tells me in detail what he is doing, what his friends are doing how they even feel physically but doesn't ask what I am doing or how I feel ... that pisses me off.

It's almost as if when he goes away for the weekend, he is not interested in me.

I called him on Sunday. I had a few missed calls from him - I didn't take the calls because I went with a girl for lunch and we were just relaxing and eating. When I looked at the phone later, I had three missed calls from him. When i phoned him back, he told me his brother's flatmate had borrowed his phone and she had accidentally pressed my number.

So I phoned him this morning. Why should I be scared or wary of calling my own boyfriend when he is away? Why shouldn't I call? You see it feels like he hides things from me but I actually think he behaves like this to make me feel insecure so we fight.

Which we did this morning.

We fought because I called just before I got in to work and his phone was engaged. And it was engaged an hour later. When I got through to him, he told me he was busy. I don't trust him ... not because of something like cheating but because he deliberately plays me. It's a control thing, keeping me in 'my place' so to speak. I do believe that sometimes when I get close to him and things are good, he'll deliberately stir things up and push me away.

When he goes away on weekends there is ALWAYS a girl involved somehow. Either his brother's flatmate who is a lesbian but it is always JN this and JN that. Or BB goes to a party or a club or a pub and somebody tries to pick him up.

Or an ex girlfriend is on the scene. Sometimes it's even his older brother's ex. She is lovely, really nice and I fully believe that there is nothing going on with any of these girls.

I do believe that I am being played and that he likes fighting and making me feel like I do. We've argued about this in the past and he believes that someone should sort out their own issues and I do agree. I don't expect him to fix me or save me ... but is it too little to ask someone to acknowledge an issue you may have and not play into it?