Day 18

It's the third day.

He moved out officially yesterday afternoon, if you can call moving out sleeping on his brother's couch. He texted me when he got there but we didn't speak. It's the first day we have not spoken in maybe 7/8 months.

All his clothes and his stuff are still at my place. About 8 months ago, this happened. He had broken up with me and needed a 'break'. I thought it was for real until I came back and then seeing all his clothes, seeing that he left all his things exactly as they were would have given me hope that he wasn't going to leave me. Last time, he didn't even move out.

If I still had hope and still was in the same place the last time this happened, I would assume that he didn't really want to leave me and this relationship but frankly he is too lazy to even pack up his things.

I think when someone moves out, they get to start fresh. BB moves in somewhere else and they don't have what I have. I came home and there are signs of BB everywhere. The courtyard we arranged, the cushions and lamps we brought together. The pictures, the table mats, the bed, the sheets, the way everything is, is a reminder of him.

I moved around the place last night and everything is us. We brought a barbecue together, we arranged the bedroom, the bathroom, the pantry. We hung up pictures, decorated the place, bought the plants, moved things around. His clothes were over the floor, his laptop still lying on the table.

It's not missing someone when they are gone physically ... he is still there.

Friends have suggested buying different pictures and moving things around. Getting plants in redoing the courtyard, changing things around and making the place all mine. A real clean out, new sheets, different set up and I think that is a really good idea. BB doesn't have my clothes, my stuff in his face at the moment and I feel like I am really falling apart. Really cracking.

I left the house and went for a walk and everything reminds me of BB, of us, of fights, of stupid things we used to talk about. I hate this ... having such a constant reminder of someone who up to 3 days ago was a huge part of my life, 22 months to be exact.

BB has found a place to stay and it just seems like a man just gets up, wipes his hands, calls you a few names, gets drunk and moves on.

I had a friend round and we talked. Really talked I told her some things I will reveal on this blog. Things about our relationship which were not healthy. I can't just wipe my hands and let someone go. All of his things are still here.

And I still love him.