Day 16/17

Now that you have met me, you can read how different BB and I are.I want someone who really wants to be with me, appreciates me, makes room for me in my life. BB acted like even talking to me was such an effort that breakfasts, movies, dinners, something were out of the question.

I really snapped over the weekend. I woke up on Sunday, BB was away again. In the past five months I think he has only been around maybe 6 times. When you're working long hours and he is working sporadic shifts and funny times, it's very obvious how little time you are spending together. It felt like he was never there. And even when he was, he wasn't.

I may be living in a fairytale but when BB got back, it was sleep and then we both spent the rest of the time at work. I do not remember the last time we had breakfast together.

I need more.

I need to be single and enjoy my company and not feel like someone is always pulling away from me. It was always a battle with him. The past five months have been a fight.

Or I would like to be in a relationship where I can have my fantasy fulfilled, that the person makes time for you because you are important and he wants to support you, show you love, show you worth and in return support his needs.

I didn't mind that BB worked so hard or that he was tired, I minded that my needs, my tiredness, my tidying after him, my loneliness, my asking for things went unheard and unnoticed.
Actually I did mind, it put a lot of pressure on us but I would have minded a lot less if he gave us some time. Real quality time. A movie, a meal out, taking the day and doing something fun, reading the newspapers in bed, going to a market, people watching...

I kept defending him and saying that he had great qualities. BB really has got a big heart ... we spoke 6 times a day on the phone everyday and texted each other. There was some degree of love there but not enough. Not for me. I loved him I really do. There is so much about him that I care about really deeply, but his heart, his needs, his idea of a relationship with somebody is not mine.

I don't find someone who drinks all the time fun. I didn't want to go with him even when he offered because he fell asleep by 6pm. He wanted me to come with him so he didn't miss out, didn't have to make effort.

I don't know if there is someone reading this going come on, you've been together two years ... clearly he doesn't need to make you feel loved or secure. He comes home ... what more do you want? Maybe a man feels like he is making the effort, he calls me, he acknowledges me.

But maybe a woman wants a bona fide boyfriend. The real deal. I think seeing that it was almost two years that we'd be closer, more connected not further apart. That we could do things which would make each other happy.

And now ... I've been crying and looking at every detail and wanting him. I've truly missed him. Then I think about the mess, the beer bottles, the Internet and the fact that in reality he was not at home with me. He was on the phone or drunk or asleep.

I don't want to be single. And I don't want to be alone. I want regular sex, someone in my bed everynight. But I also want laughter and time together. I want something healthy, someone who I feel close to and no matter how many times I think of BB, or miss BB or want to see him, sleep with him, stay with him ...

I can't think of a good reason. We made each other unhappy. Very unhappy. It was not healthy. We pulled each other down. That is not good.