Day 15 (I think)

So much has been happening.
With both work, friends and family ... that I don't feel like I am close to anybody anymore.

When I was younger there were a few girls I could call anytime and knew that I always was going to see. We spent most of our weekends together and really supported each other. I remember that every time I felt lonely I would phone one of them. And if I needed to cry or vent or talk about something that was bothering me ... I always had someone I could phone.

I do have a number of female friends who I see fairly often but I don't have anyone I can just call when I am lonely. Or when I need to cry. Or when I am bored and feel like going to see a movie.

And that's a sad realisation.

I seem to be swamped with invites, family obligations and dinners. I have people I can arrange to see a movie with or have lunch with but I don't have someone I feel close to. A BFF.

I feel very lonely despite the fact that I can call on somebody. But it's not the same as having someone I feel really connected to and close to. Someone who I can laugh with, cry with and be myself with. I miss that. And I am wondering what happened to me and my life. When did I start just following the norm and existing and making arrangements? How long have I been pushing people away?

A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago that a relationship cannot be your everything. That you need friends, interests and a life outside of your relationship for the relationship to be a healthy one. For it to last, both people must be satisfied with their lives and feel that they are in a relationship because there is no where else they'd rather be.

I have given so much for BB, that it cost me closeness with my friends. When he worked 3 months solid I spent a lot of time on my own. I still have interests and I read but I hardly go to movies or do some of the things I used to do. I used to go to dinners, events, fairs, markets and things that interested me. I attended book signings or hung out in coffee shops. I saw my friends a lot and was always thinking of something to do. I compromise a lot for BB. I actually feed myself bs by believing that a nature of compromise is part of the relationship.

But BB hasn't compromised anything for time with me. He sees his friends whenever he likes, makes plans without me, goes away practically every weekend on his own.

And I managed to get myself into a place where I have become a bit of a loner and exceedingly lonely.