Day 12

I've heard somewhere or read somewhere that relationships are like a dance. We move together, pull apart, pull closer, step on each others' feet. Some people laugh and pull closer and some people pull away further or find that they can't dance together well. That they don't fit each other.

When you've been with someone a while, you learn how to move together. Your bodies fit into each other. He/she becomes the closest person to you. You see him/her first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

It's a dance. Every day you are pulling and pushing, you're fitting each other in. You're compromising, adjusting and avoiding stepping on his toes too much.

But what if I've mistaken our closeness because we've been together for a year and a half now as love. When we dance we step on each others' toes ALL the time. We have completely different opinions of everything. I don't drink so in BB's eyes I am boring.

BB drinks and his idea if a good day out is going to the pub all day and all night. I cannot remember the last time we went out. For dinner or breakfast. We don't do the walks or art galleries, museums, plays or the theatre. He does not like to do anything which does not involve drinking.

BB has not been home yet. He has been away since Sunday and the reason he didn't come home yesterday was because he had spent all day getting a motor bike he is borrowing insured and what he really wanted to do was drink with his brother.

He used not seeing his brother as an excuse even though he spends practically every weekend with his brother. He told me there was no point coming home last night because I finish work and get home after 7:30pm and there would be no point. I generally go to bed quite early.

In truth, he wanted to drink. His brother visits places where he pays to get jacked off and BB always jokes about this. His brother also has a prostitute living in his apartment block. Or that's just wishful thinking on his part.

So BB didn't come home and he is working nights this week and then he is away again this weekend with his brother and his family and I feel stupid.

If I was reading this, I would think how dumb is this girl? He clearly doesn't consider her at all. It is so much harder when you are the dancing partner. This blog has made me look at this relationship as a bit of an outsider and it feels like I can divulge on here because I have been so unsettled.

BB hasn't called much. Except to talk about his brother, his drinking and the bike he has borrowed and is very excited about. He stayed up til midnight drinking where when he is home with me he goes to bed about half an hour after I get back from work.

When he works nights I catch up with friends and go to dinners and movies and I make weekend plans. I may as well be single. I spend Saturdays cleaning the place, doing a bit of gardening and then I see friends for lunches or brunches. I meet up with family and sometimes just do my own thing. BB is hardly ever home. And when he is home on weekends, he is too tired to do anything at all.

I am not sure if we're in this dance because we both know the moves. We fight, we speak crap, we do nothing, we have sex and we sleep. That's our dance.
There are dances I wish I could be part of more cuddling, less drinking, physically going out together and spending weekends together.

We fought this morning on the phone because I asked him what he did last night. I pointed out that he is working nights this week and he is away this weekend so if he IS using his brother as an excuse not to see me, then fine, it's worked.
I got angry because he went out for lunches and breakfasts - things that he never does with me. He is too tired or hang over or tired from work or too lazy to ever go out when we do have time together. I got even angrier when he wouldn't tell me where he was last night or who he was with but mentioned he was out drinking. BB is usually asleep at 8pm.

It's like the man I am with is this incredible friend, great brother, really enthusiastic, really giving ... fun to be around

and he is a shit boyfriend.