Day 96

Almost a month has gone by and I am so busy trying to fnd work that I haven't been blogging.

BB and I broke up on the 16th November and we have still been seeing each other on a fairly regular basis. He has moved all his clothes out but there is still a cupboard fill of his stuff and we have been speaking every day.

When we do hook up, that's exactly what it is a hook up and we are still engrained in each other's lives.

I feel guilty because of the time we spend together. And we still haven't moved on. I still know about everything that is happening in his life and even though we get on, because we fell into such a habit ... I sometimes don't think that this is a proper and official break up.

During the past month, he came over on New Years, he has spent most of the weekends with me and spends at least 3 or 4 nights a week at my place.

We're in a bad habit.

Day 49

When you lose a job and break up with someone in a few weeks it feels like only one more thing and you will completely fall apart.

In my relationship, I used the job as an excuse and when I lost the job it has been so hard to keep busy. I worked 10 hours a day. I had a 10-15 minute lunch.

And now I have hours. I try to apply for at least 8-10 jobs a day. I am trying not to spend money and I am trying to keep a tight budget. I am trying to fill my days. With walks, books, TV, job hunting. I go to to cheap things. I catch buses or walk.

And some days I have too much time. I watch too movies. Or I start applying for work and I get bored. Or I speak to friends. Or I look at the time and I think what should I do with my time, my day.

So I think of BB even more. We've been speaking to each other everyday. And I have been sleeping with him regularly. So now I am using my unemployment as an excuse.

I think for me to really move on, I have to stop 'seeing' and speaking to him. My one friend thinks that he is a parasite and will wrangle himself back into my life, in to the flat and we will get back into the toxic relationship.

and every time I disagree with her. The relationship for what it was was over a long time ago. And now we have just gotten into a habit, a very toxic habit of not moving forward.

I want to change. I have spent this last month analysing what made our relationship so bad and wanting to move forward into a good relationship and a new start. We are in a habit of phoning and text messages and 'seeing' each other every few days. We are using each other but we are also clinging onto a bad habit.

I like the sex. I love the physicality and the company of a man. I have hours to fill.

How do I move on? How do I start again?

Day 43

All my friends tell me to keep myself busy.

And it would be so much easier to keep busy if I had a job and income. I'm trying to save money and budget and I try not to think of BB, but on a day like this one, where I walked around, met up with a married couple and went for breakfast ... I just missed him.

I have been single for almost a month and it still feels like I am counting the days. I am budgeting and trying to find employment and I am trying to keep busy and I am still thinking of BB.

The truth is that if we had spent today together, I wouldn't have ended up in a library taking out business books, or ended up at a cafe with two friends circling job ads or ended up in a discount shop trying on things and purchasing rubbish. BB would not have come with or he would have been exceedingly bored and would have wanted to go.

Even if we had eaten in a cafe, he would have wanted to go as soon as he finished eating. So I am painting BB up in a rose colour. He had no patience with me, didn't want to relax and shop or meet up with my friends ... unless it was his choice and there was beer involved.

Even today, even though I realised that I am lucky. I went to the library and chose books, my friends and I went to a cheap cafe to eat, we went to a discount shop to buy things ... I feel very supported.

And then when I left them ... I felt lonely again. I felt single again. There I was walking home with a bag of 9 books, with no plans ahead. I am not sure if it is because I am in hibernation and trying not to spend or if it is because I don't want to attract someone like BB again.

Which means that I need to work on myself. I need to read business books, write blog posts, take baths and see friends on a very tight budget. I am applying for work and every day, I have to think of ways and means to keep busy.

I miss him, it may be the weather, the thought of spending all day and so much time in my own company or I have just started realising that I can be alone and lonely. I miss regular sex and touching but I conveniently forgot the nastiness and name calling. I forgot that I was alone every weekend anyway and that even when BB was around, he wasn't supportive of me and always acted like he was trapped in a relationship ...

I think that before I met BB, I had been single for over 6 years. I went to events, had a business, socialised, had flings but I really had to learn to be in a relationship. When I met BB, he surprised me by staying and I mistook the regular sex and him being around as love.

I didn't see the parasitic part, the fact that he was comfortable, he had everything he wanted and needed including a clean place, fresh bed sheets, tiding up after him, a courtyard, a kitchen and pantry full of food, DVDs and CDs, an Internet connection as well as someone who loved him, supported him and wanted him.

Now I am scared. Of being alone which I really don't want to be but I feel that I have to be for a long while. And I am scared of loving someone like BB again who kicked me down and really hurt my feelings.

I feel very lonely today. I feel a bit aimless and lonely. In a way I feel like I can't sit still, that I should be out and enjoying myself ... but I am on a tight budget and I have been out all day

But I know it will pass.

Day 37

We broke up on Sun 16 Nov and it is Sun 7 Dec so that is almost three weeks ago.

It is hard to believe that 3 weeks ago, I was sitting at home sobbing my eyes out over a relationship that couldn't be saved. It's hard to believe that in under 3 weeks so much has happened.

I lost my job on Tuesday. It's funny how things tend to happen all at once and now I am single and unemployed. I wanted to use my job to help me get over the break up but while I was in the relationship I used the job as an excuse.

When I was working and BB was working long hours as well, I used my job as an excuse why we couldn't spend time together. Or why things were so hard between us. BB used his job to make excuses that he needed to drink or that he was too tired to do anything with me ... so work can be a very dangerous crutch.

Now that I don't have a job and believe me that gives me even more time to think, I realised that the long hours and shitty salary meant that instead of being resentful about BB and bitter towards him, I used my work. When I was unhappy, I blamed work. When BB exhausted me, I blamed my long hours.

If I put work aside and put every excuse aside earlier; I would have realised a lot sooner that if I did that in a good and healthy relationship, in a supportive relationship, it wouldn't have been so easy to grab at excuses. In a healthier relationship, a job would have been a job and we would have worked on the actual relationship.

So now that I am unemployed, I have spent the past few days job hunting and thinking.

In relationships there are two people and when two people bring their issues and baggage into a relationship depending on the baggage, it can be a very hard start.

BB has a brother he spends all his time with. He has a work mate he tells every thing to. He has an ex girlfriend who is the mother of his 10 year old son. That is a lot of baggage. I think a lot of women would be reading this screaming RUN. I eventually got on with his brother, I thought and still do think that BB and his brother are very webby. By this I mean they drink together and they are extremely negative together and I don't think they have a healthy connection at all. His problem.

I liked BB's ex girlfriend. She got pregnant and had his son when she was very young and they have had a lot of problems. But now they are good and very firm friends. Which is great. But it is not so great when he knows more about his ex and her problems then he does about his current girlfriend. He knew about her dates, her periods, her friends ... it was like SHE was the girlfriend sometimes and I was the third wheel. Sometimes it was plain weird. The phone calls were a constant. And even weirder that because they have a son together, BB was very supportive of her. I hated that, after speaking to her at least 5-7 times a week, he didn't really want to hear about my friends, my periods, my problems. And that was a problem for me.

The Ex G and I got on really well. I wouldn't consider her my friend but she was always lovely to me, she was happy leaving her son with me. I spent a lot of time with BB's son. I actually really liked him. Until BB starting using his son as an excuse for leaving me alone even more and when we started fighting every weekend, I stayed away.

And I don't know who is reading this but when your boyfriend has a friend that he tells every detail of the relationship from the sex to the fights to my own personal things I told BB, well that was really weird. It made me so uncomfortable. And I felt it was a trust issue too, no matter what I told BB,  ever detail and every personal thing - he would tell this guy.

So that was BB's baggage. And it is a lot of baggage.

But truthfully I have to look at mine as well.

It takes a lot of time for me to trust someone and once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to trust again and I withdraw. When I found out that BB was telling his workmate every detail of our relationship, from our sex life to my personal stories, to things I did or said and believe me, not a single detail was spared - it broke a huge trust with BB. Why on earth, would you want to tell a friend every single thing?

I am extremely insecure around other women. I always have felt I don't measure up. And yes this is definitely my something that I need to work on. I get on with women, I make friends really easily but I can be incredibly and stupidly insecure. In my heart, I knew that BB didn't cheat as you have gathered he is so honest, he tells everyone everything, that he would have told me.

I have always been extremely insecure about myself. It is definitely not a huge thing, something I can work on. But I also realise that I have pushed a lot of men away because of this. If someone like BB feeds my insecurity and makes cracks and comments about other women constantly, I lose it. I start to imagine the worst case. Far worse than in  real life. 

And BB played on that.

So now, I have been looking at my baggage and my insecurities. what can I work on and leave behind? I don't want another relationship like this. I don't want to spend weeks crying over a guy who made it very very clear, that I was not important to him.

3 weeks have passed really quickly. I do feel a bit stronger. I still feel lonely but I think that is to do with my own fears rather than with BB.

I now do not have a job as an emotional crutch either and that is making me face how many things were wrong with the relationship. I realise that there is no such thing as a perfect fairytale relationship. But there is give and take. There is love. There is compromise.

BB had a 10 year old son and an Ex G which were part of his package. It was hard but I liked them both and I accepted that. Not always happily and when they took over our lives, I did have to put my foot down from time to time.

But when the drinking came in, the long hours, the weekends away - those things are not part of the package. It was hard enough. I couldn't understand how I just let myself stay in something so damaging for such a long time.

I realise that some women stay for life. They have to deal with domestic abuse and violence, they have no money. Or/and children. My heart goes out to them ... because I am lucky.

I've been crying about a relationship which wasn't healthy but it certainly wasn't abusive and as damaging or frightening as some women go through every day. They are too scared, too kicked down, too penniless, too stuck, too fearing for their own lives to get out of it ...

I have all the time I need to get through this.

Day 31

I stopped watching TV because I started crying every time any advert came on. Every advert seemed to just bring out all these emotions in me. A mother giving her child medicine, babies and puppies.

I started to think i am almost 33 years old and I am not a mother. I don't have a puppy. I don't seem to have a full life. Even at the beginning BB told me that he didn't want to get married or have children. I seem to have denied myself the thought of the possibility for the last two years. And I think I would have denied myself the thought for our entire relationship.

I want children. I want a family. I want the marriage and the relationship with the right person. I see adverts with families and I have been watching couples and I am opening myself to the idea, the possibility that someone wants all that. With me. BB didn't.

I have often heard people talk about how in a relationship no matter how long, the man makes it clear he doesn't want all those things and then after they break up, he gets married and has children with someone else. I denied something important to me, because I let myself believe that things were good with BB and I and it didn't matter. But it did.

BB didn't want a family or children. With me. And even though it hurts and I have been crying, I do know that I can embrace and have what I want. Now.

On the weekend, I really felt like i had come out of a dark cave. I looked at attractive men, I talked to people, I met up with friends and even though I did feel alone and missed the texts and the calls, I realised that as long as it takes to move forward, I will.

I have not lived alone for almost two years. BB's things are still here. I am using his wireless laptop with my Internet connection. We have hooked up twice and had sex and we have spoken to each other and texted each other. Habits are hard and I haven't had the strength to cut ties with him completely. Eventually I know this will all pass. The sex has been fantastic, really physical and tactile and he has been paying so much attention to me.

When we hooked up, I commented on how he was all over me, calling me sexy, touching me and doing things to me he was always too tired to do. And I know it is because we are over. We are still having sex but our relationship is over. The ties are cut, we enjoyed each other physically. I realise that sex with BB is not the best option. It will make it harder to move on and meet someone else.

But I also know that this will all pass. We do not have much in common to embrace and have a real lasting friendship. He drinks every weekend. He may go to barbecues and get drunk at night but he doesn't do anything else. After I have given myself some time, I will go to movies, dinners, lunches and social events.

I went to a friend's birthday dinner last night and cried when i was talking to a woman who was telling me about her bad marriage. That she loved a man for 25 years and became his doormat. That she lost her dignity and her sense of self. Because she loved him.

She told me because she wanted me to understand that I deserve to be with someone who loves me. Who appreciates my love and would not walk all over me. And she told me that because of it, she is a better person and a stronger woman.

I've been thinking about whether I loved BB. Even at the beginning, there were so many signs which pointed to me that we are so different. I am a blog addict, a fashion girl, a bookworm, a social creature more cultured and he is a very social guy, love travelling, drinking, partying and drugging. He loves young women and loads of attention and loves his freedom.

My idea of a relationship is togetherness and coupledom and for years I fought with BB every step.

I stopped thinking of my needs and wants, whinging, fighting with BB and accommodating his needs and drinking. I don't feel stronger right now, I feel stupid.

I loved him but chose not to look at the signs. I overlooked the important things. The fact that i wasn't love and attention, a real relationship. That I needed someone who would build me up not kick me and call me names until I fell down.

The sex will pass. The phone calls and texts will stop. And in the meantime I am looking at what I want and need. And I am looking forward.

Day 27

After our weekend together, things have been terrible.

I have spent the past 4 days either crying or getting angry. I have also spent a great deal of the time looking at the relationship and analysing. During work, I cry. I cry on the bus and the train. I cry during TV ads, before I go to bed and when I wake up. I really miss him. I'm also really scared. Of being single. Of being alone again. Of not having regular sex and being close to somebody. Of not being able to talk about my days and not having someone to tell my stories to.

Then I get angry. I get angry that I became a doormat. I am angry because he went away every weekend. I am angry that i didn't count. I am angry that there are so many things pointing to if not cheating, then definitely his need to get away from me all the time. He hid his phone from me, he always was on Facebook, he had calls at funny times. He played on my insecurities.

So I want to have a full blood tests, I tested my health and had all the sex tests as well as a pap smear. Because over these four days I am thinking that I need to get my health into shape, my head into shape and while I am crying over him and having pap smears and mourning our relationship - he only bothered to call when he needed to pick up clothes.

I've spoken to him twice this week. I told him to hire a van, get a friend to come over and help him move his stuff out on Sunday. All of it. He was very quiet on the phone and when he started making excuses all I could think of was, I will never have to listen to another excuse of his again.

I will never have to make excuses for him again. I will never have to sit alone in my apartment wondering why we can't even have an hour together. I will never have to see him walk through the door drunk and listen to the bull shit about how a girl wanted to fuck him. Or how some girl tried to touch him. Or how he spent hours talking to a girl who was crying and he had to console her.

I know that no one can make you feel inferior with out your permission. But I do know that someone can kick you. And kick you. Thinking of all these things have made me sad. So sad that I allowed myself to be inferior. That I made excuses for a man who didn't bother to come home to me but spent his time 'consoling' other women.

That when we did go and have lunch with his brother, suddenly two single women are at the table and BB made comments to the one about her body. I will never have to be in that situation again. And I realise that it is time for me to get whole again. Hence the blood tests, his final day getting his stuff out on Sunday so I can start my life again.

I have missed him this week. But I haven't missed the beer, the phone calls to other people and the excuses. It is such a relief. And sad at the same time. I am lonely. Really lonely and a little scared. I feel a bit lost. And then I read the news and watch what is happening in the world.

I am following the recession and I am grateful that I have a job and a home. I am grateful that I don't have to worry about furniture. That he never beat me. That I have all my friends. That I have money coming in and savings. I am grateful that I can draw strength from keeping things in perspective and saying, this will pass, quickly.

I know that sooner, I will wonder why I stayed in such a negative and toxic relationship with a man who did not do a thing for me. And the answer will be that I find myself whole or when I am ready, I will find someone else who will shock me into the realisation that this is what a good relationship is ... comfort, love, laughter and warmth.

In the meantime, I have friends, hugs and support. I have seen the doctor and I am going to get therapy.

Now I just wish time would go faster and that I do not stay this overly emotional for too much longer.

Day 23

My gosh, it has been 7 days since we broke up.

We have seen each other since though and I hope that is going to change. He stayed over last Monday night and we had sex and he crashed on Friday night and we had sex.

You know when you're with someone and they have broken up with you and you fool yourself into thinking that sex means that you will get back together. That he will look at you and realise that he has made this huge mistake and that you will become a couple again. In our case sex was just sex. It was emotional physical, breathing sex. The kind of sex you have with someone you have loved and will miss but also the kind of sex that you both know, doesn't change anything.

I planned a night at a hotel with him in a desperate need to sort out our failing relationship 2 weeks ago. I wanted things to change and I wanted so many things for the two of us. Well, we still went to the hotel and actually had a pleasant enough time.

There were comments of course. I can't expect to spend an entire night and day with someone in a hotel room and to pretend that things are okay. It was sad. We had an amazing lunch just after we checked in and it wasn't lunch. We didn't touch, didn't really converse. It was awkward. He had slept at mine, the night before but we hadn't talked. We haven't really talked or laughed in weeks.

The day did get better. We relaxed in each other's company and watched TV, ordered in, had sex and held each other. We spent time together ... something that was so important to me months ago.
It wasn't the same and if we had still been together I would have insisted on dinner and some time out, but it didn't matter anymore.

I cried at breakfast. I was really sad because I still love BB and it is hard, really hard to be in a hotel room after your relationship has come to an end. He had spoken to his brother over 7 times since we had been there and planned to meet up with his brother later.

We talked about many things during the night we stayed in a hotel room together. And one of the most important things in his eyes was that all his girlfriends had given up their lives and their friends to be with him. BB didn't give up a thing. His exes came and sat while he drank with his brother every weekend and never had a breakfast, a dinner, time out, a day off, a day alone with BB. He is so unable to give to a relationship and I cried because I felt so sad for him.

I have spent thew majority of this week, analysing and crying. I need to find out what I want. I also need to talk to people and to just let myself have time to grieve. To be honest, staying in a hotel a week after you have broken up with your ex is not the best idea. It made today harder. It made last night lonelier. I need a lot of strength to get through this.

I've talked about my break up with a few people this week ands have been called brave. I don't feel strong or brave. I feel incredibly stupid. It has been very hard. Very very hard, Because I did care about him so much. I really did try everything and try to find reasons. To be honest with you , the last time we got back together it was because we were still communicating, still connecting.

This time, he wasn't even speaking to me. I felt like a dumb doormat. And I have therapy appointments coming up so I can talk to someone neutral about why I let someone I loved treat me like I was the 14th or 100th important person on his list rather than his first or second.

My head is fill of all the things that happened over the last 5 months. I spent most of my time alone trying to figure out why he was making it so hard to be with him. I couldn't understand that he does not believe in giving or compromise. Everything, every weekend, every plan was based on what suited BB.

It is for the best. I 100% agree with all my friends who are trying to tell me, that I need and deserve someone who gives as well as takes. That I need to be with someone who loves and appreciates me. I cannot be with someone who takes me for granted and can't even give me a breakfast, a moment of his precious time. I didn't like the person I was with him. He expected a mother and a robot but not someone with needs and feelings and opinions.

So now it's a week after I threw him out. We saw each other most of the weekend and spent two nights together last week. This is hard.